


Crucify

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-09-30
Updated: 1999-09-30
Packaged: 2018-11-20 19:46:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11342052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived atThe Basement, which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address onThe Basement's collection profile.





	Crucify

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

 

Crucify by Hepaestion

  
Written by Hepaestion   
December 8, 1998  
Archive to Xslash and MulderTorture/Angst  
Keywords: Slash   
Characters: Mulder/Krycek   
Characters belong to CC and 1013 productions. I borrow them with a lot of love and kindness.   
Spoilers: Sleepless, The Red and the Black, Fight the Future  
Story picks up after events to movie.   
Title: Giving thanks for Tori for the title and the inspiration. Why do we crucify ourselves?  
Website: http://www.slashcity.com/~hephaestion/

* * *

Crucify

Why do we crucify ourselves  
Every day I crucify myself   
Nothing I do is good enough   
For you -words by Tori Amos

Alex took a drag from the cigarette and stood looking at the apartment building. He sat in the car and waited for Mulder. He put the CD in and turned up the volume. Tori began singing and Alex listened to her music. Alex couldn't help but sigh and rubbed his face with his hand. His other hand was still made of plastic. Soon he thought he would get that operation and get a new arm. Alex looked in the rearview mirror and was always surprised to see how well his looks were keeping. He had to admit he still contained that boyish cute face that many fell for. His face made people see innocence and goodness and Alex was far from being any of that. 

He was feeling impatient already and was close to fucking leaving if Mulder didn't show up already. Actually, Alex knew he shouldn't be here. God things were so fucked up with him and Mulder. Things only seemed to get worse too. His protector WMM was dead. He remembered the man's words a few weeks before he died when Alex had suggested killing CSM. He was told not to that one day because he would need him. Alex cringed at the thought of needing that bastard for anything. CSM was out of control and believed in no one anymore but himself. Many in the group feared him. However, here he was at Mulder's apartment again. The first time was during their time as partners. Alex had just shot that man Cole and he gave a good performance of 'freaked out' new agent to Mulder. Mulder had invited Alex upstairs to go over the rest of the paperwork concerning that case and the shooting and Alex couldn't help but notice Mulder's eyes on him. 

When it comes to sex the consortium knew about everyone's sexual habits whether you had them or not. Mulder's was something of a mystery. They all thought of him as a 'normal' heterosexual man but his lack of heterosexual sex always made Alex differ. Alex knew Mulder was a man of many demons and well he was handsome enough to get all the pussy he wanted why didn't he? Unless fucking pussy wasn't his game. Moreover, that little dilemma seemed more to Mulder's bizarre life. He would be closeted because if anything it fitted his profile. After all is said and done, Alex believes that is the one reason Mulder is so angry with Alex. They had gotten so close. Mulder was ready to finally break through with that one demon in his life and things suddenly fell apart. Their teasing and Alex's long looks had probably made Mulder feel wanted for once for reason he had thought was dead and buried. 

Alex sat back in the car's leather seat and remembered how they sat close to one another when they were sharing a monitor. When an office rumor about some other agent's sex life got started and Alex remembered Mulder's look when he said that it was no one's business about the guy and who he slept with. He was so tired of narrow-minded homophobes roaming the halls of the FBI. A lot of that really came out of Alex's mouth from real anger and disgust over that rumor shit. 

Tori on the CD player kept singing her version of the blues. Her piano was felt within the confines of the car. When Alex looked back at the apartment, he saw Mulder. The lanky tall attractive agent walked with stooped shoulders into his building. The time has come finally. 

Alex waited a few before making his presence known to Mulder. He needed to catch Mulder off guard because he was in no mood to fight with the man. Mulder's frustrations were easily taken out on Alex and the man tired of those bruises. 

Alex's mind hummed the Crucify song and he wondered if Mulder ever heard that song? Mulder crucified himself daily. He was forever taken out his anger usually on himself. He would have flogged himself if he could. That is how deep Mulder's guilt ran. Poor Mulder thought Alex, he knew the guy meant well. He wanted to save the world even if it meant destroying himself. Sometimes he wanted to hold Mulder tight and reassure him that things were only going to get better. However lately even Alex found that thought hard to swallow. 

Alex walked like a silent panther towards Mulder's apartment. News had reached Alex also that Mulder was successful at getting Scully back from Antarctica. He had some things he needed to discuss with Mulder. He needed to do this before he was to go back into hiding again. 

Silently Alex picked the lock at Mulder's door. When he walked in, he heard the shower going and strange singing coming from the shower. Alex grinned to think Mulder was happy enough to sing in the shower tonight. Alex took a quick overlook at the apartment which was dark and but clean actually for once. He felt his body have strange feelings at the thought of Mulder naked in the shower. Suddenly a thought came to him a wicked one also. Alex grinned and with a gun in his hand walked toward the bathroom. 

Alex flung the door open suddenly and saw the figure inside the shower jump. Mulder suddenly shoved the shower curtain aside and cussing at the top of his voice with only a shampoo bottle as a weapon he stood there. His body heaved and the shampoo dripped into his eyes which he instantly tried to rub off. Alex was introduced to a wet; blushing and somewhat erect Mulder. Alex's eyes were glassy and he licked his lips but found he was soon to begin giggling. However, he still took the safety off the gun and pointed it to the other man's heart. 

"What the fuck do you want Krycek? Fuck you gave me a fucking heart attack slamming into the bathroom like that. What are you some pervert? Jesus fucking Christ Krycek what is wrong with you? Why can't I even take a fucking shower without someone breaking into my apartment?" It seemed, as Mulder's tirade would never stop. Until he saw the mirth upon Alex's face. "And what the fuck is so damn funny Krycek? Mulder finally screamed."

In that infamous husky voice, Alex spoke to Mulder. "Mulder you look like a wet puppy. I must say Special Agent Mulder I am quite impressed" and his eyes trailed down to Mulder's penis that in the back of his head he had to admit was of impressive size. Alex started giggling again when he saw the Mulder began to blush on his body and how his nipples and dick started to get hard. Mulder felt his fucking body turn traitor when those damn green eyes looked at him. Alex's gaze always somehow dumbfounded him. He made a few mistakes now and then whenever he found himself in that man's gaze. 

"Fuck you Krycek" and Mulder turned back to the shower and continued. Alex saw Mulder try to calmly shower and finish taking the shampoo out of his hair. Alex stood there just looking at the man knowing he would need to get out eventually. After a few minutes, the shower ended and Mulder grabbed his towel. Alex stood a few feet away with the gun pointed at Mulder. Mulder looked at Alex and said " Why do you bother pointing that at me anyway cause you don't plan on killing me or do you?"

Alex had to grin at Mulder finally catching on to the fact that he really did not intend to ever hurt him. Part of that fact was what got Alex in trouble with the Consortium in the first place many times. 

"You are right Mulder I am not here to kill you. I never intended to hurt you actually. I just want to give you some information." Alex said and surprised at the tone of his voice.

Mulder held the towel tightly around his hips and looked at Alex Krycek intently. He was trying to use the power of his profiling to figure this guy out. The man seemed to have too many facets to his personality that Mulder didn't understand. However, part of him was angry to hear him say about never intending to hurt Mulder when he knew he was hurt and bad. 

"Fucking liar that's what you are Krycek. Why do I even try to listen to your bullshit? You used me and you lied to me and you tricked me into thinking you cared..." Mulder didn't even try to finish that sentence for the double entendre in it was too close to the real truth. 

Alex took steps closer to Mulder who stood wet and clinging to a towel. "You don't know shit about me Fox Mulder. You have no idea why I did what I did. You're not a fucking saint and you don't have all the answers. I never hurt you physically not even when you beat the crap out of me and I had two arms to fucking tear you limb to limb. Sure my reasons for being your partner were rigged by CSM and I didn't tell you what was going on but not all of what I said or did was an act. Don't ever fucking presume you think you know how much I do or don't care about you or anyone else. All I have done lately is try to help you. I was trying to help you get your head out of your ass before things get too late. You laughed at me but I bet your not laughing now are you Agent Mulder? Did you see what you needed to see at Antarctica? Do you know where you got the vaccine to help Scully? Was I lying to you about the invasion? And if you fucking hate me so much why didn't you shoot me that night?" Alex's eyes were hard chunks of green that were glassy and his features were that of a demented angel. Mulder was mesmerized by his ex-partner's face. So many fucking questions and so many ways to lie. 

"The Englishman gave me the vaccine." Mulder said. 

"Well Fox let me tell you then. That vaccine that saved your precious Dana Scully came from me. I stole it from Russia and that vaccine is what has me now on their hit list. If I never stole it your Scully would be breeding a baby alien by now." Alex said his eyes never leaving Mulder's. 

"If you hate me so much Mulder why didn't you shoot me?" Alex looked at him knowing things were head to head finally.

Mulder felt his stomach tighten knowing he was unable to answer that question because he didn't know the answer. His mind went over that night again as he held the gun in his hand and Alex turned his back. Tovarish. Was his last word to him. It meant friend was the translation he was to find out the next day. Mulder decided to finally go for broke and asked the checkmate question of the night. "Why did you kiss me? Why call me friend?" His voice was barely a whisper as he looked into Alex's eyes. He saw the transformation in Krycek's expression. It was as he hit a sore spot and his face looked suddenly frightened. 

"Because I wanted to kiss you to show you I cared. To show you I was not the enemy you think I was or am. To make you understand Mulder. Because you aren't kissed enough." That last phrase was a husky whisper that Mulder strained to hear. He almost couldn't believe his ears and yet he figured this was long in the waiting.

Mulder looked at Alex and felt himself sighing. This was scarier than aliens or flukemen. This was worse than when Skinner reamed him for expense accounts or the annual FBI picnic. This was years of denial and years of hiding. Mulder walked over, sat on the leather couch, and ran a hand through his now drying hair. He heard Alex walk towards him. Then he could feel a hand on his hair. It gently touched his hair and a thumb suddenly touched his ear. Alex's hand then went back to his hair and he felt it grab him. He could almost in slow motion sense how Alex pulled his head back. He saw the emotion in Alex's face and his own heart was banging in his chest. 

"Why are you doing this to me?" Mulder whispered in almost a plea. He was frightened that Alex had found some twisted game into Mulder's hidden fears. 

"Mulder I won't hurt you ever. This frightens me too." Suddenly Alex leaned down and this time those gentle lips touched Mulder's. Mulder's mind screamed to his heart, which hollered to his dick. It was like a three-way argument happening within him. He finally pushed Alex away lunging to the other side of the couch for what he deemed protection. 

"No, this is your way of hurting me again. I won't fall into this trap. No, I can't do this now. I can't let myself get so fucking sidetracked and fucking trapped into this now. I will lose everything. No please don't do this to me." Mulder face was pleading with Alex. 

Alex took a deep breath. He wanted to shake Mulder into some kind of sense. The man was allowing those demons take over again. He was shutting himself up inside that fucking vault because not even a closet was good enough for Mulder. Alex looked at Mulder and suddenly knew it was going to take time. He had to prove to him that he was on his side. He saw Mulder bite his lip already beginning his crucifixion, already making himself bleed for what he felt was a sin. This sin applied only to him but not to others. He was the world's martyr he needed to suffer. He wasn't allowed to love or be loved. 

"Mulder you can't deny the truth." Were Alex's last words before turning around and heading for the front door. Mulder watched Alex leaving, and his body shivered while his was racing. Mulder knew he told everyone his goal was to uncover the truth and yet he knew some were better left alone. 

The End


End file.
